Oft have I been asked, “What's in it for you?” Many folks, both in the community and curious vanilla types have asked what I get out of being a top, and I've struggled every time to come up with even a close approximation. This lack of understanding of myself has bothered me, so I took a few days to think about what it is I get out of this. What follows now is my answer, and my answer alone. I wouldn't dare try to speak on this subject for anyone but myself. This journey is different for everyone, and that little tidbit itself seems to be the only universal truth. That said, if you find this information at all useful to you, please feel free to point people here to have a look. BDSM is a broad subject matter, and the folks that engage in it are as unique and varied a bunch as you'll find anywhere. The path of a BDSM artisan is a journey, not an end, and it is ripe with useful information about one's self. I doubt this list is complete even for me, and I'll be trying to update it as I learn more about my own clockwork.
What follows below is a list of things I recognize as elements in a hot scene. These are things that push my buttons, that get me hot and bothered, that push me into topspace and get me high. They are why I keep coming back, why I improve upon my skill sets, and why I seek out new experiences. Topspace is an altered state of consciousness that I adore being in, and these things get me there. It's most common for them to run in pack; they collude with each other, they stem from each other, and they work together to create good times. Individually, they aren't always present in every scene, but I can't think of a single memorable scene were at least a few of them weren't hanging around. On each of them an entire article could be written, but I'll try to be brief here, if for nothing other than my own sanity and to keep from boring you.
Reactions - If you've never heard the moans of a lover in ecstasy, never seen the shine of pride in a submissive's eyes after being praised on a job well done, or have never experienced the whimper/scream of a masochist taking well placed strikes, you might have a hard time understanding what I mean when I say I feed off of reactions. Watching a partner squirm, writhe, moan, whimper, or seeing their face light up at a sensual touch thrills me beyond words. Sometimes reactions don't bubble to the surface right away. With some folks, it takes a while for them to get in touch with their body and what it's feeling. The flood that comes when they finally do is worth the effort.
Connections - When you look into the eyes of your partner and realize, in that one brief moment, that the two of you are the only things in existence, that's a beautiful connection. Usually connections aren't that bold. They tend to be rather subtle and can even be overlooked. Connections are an exchange of energy between partners. As such, they are rarely static events. They build and change and shallow out and dwindle and rebuild, they ebb and flow with emotions and energies. When I think back on a particular scene or interaction and I get a "feeling" associated with that memory, that's the connection that existed at the time. Connections don't always last in memory, often they can only be appreciated while they're occurring.
Aesthetics - Sometimes I'll take a step back from what I'm doing and look at the welts forming on my partner, or look at the rope work I've placed, or something catches my eye just the right way, and the beauty of it it hits me like a Singapore prison card with a rattan cane. While I can't define beauty, I can tell that this element is often the most striking to me.
Control - I am, in some situations, an unrepentant control freak. I like things the way I like them, and I like my requests carried out with refined skill and grace. To watch someone take my will as their own and cherish it is beyond words.
Tactile sensation - I am, basically, a touch slut in reverse. While touch sluts love to be touched, I love to be the one touching. Some textures can really get me going given the right context. Latex, leather, vinyl, pvc, satin, a bottom's raising welts, all kinds of things can be just the right tactile stimulus to push me a little further. Sensuality is expressed physically through the sense of touch, and what it can add to a scene is, in my opinion, underrated by many.
Pride - While it may be one of the seven deadly sins, I'm fairly certain that if there is a hell, I'm going there anyway. I get a sense of pride from many things in the scene, from my skills and talents as an artisan, to the way a submissive completes a command or takes my will as their own, to the community itself and all the hard work that goes into making it so strong, vibrant, open, and accepting. It is a struggle some days to be proud of things and not be an arrogant ass-hat about it, in fact I'd say it's one of the things I struggle with the most. I'm a work in progress.
Sadism - I like hurting people in ways they enjoy. I'm not sorry. It's a dark and primal urge, and having a healthy avenue to express it has been a positive influence in my life both in scene and out. As an element in a larger scene, it can be a large contributor to my enjoyment.
Catharsis - Exerting ones self, both physically and emotionally, can be a cleansing experience. It sands down the rough spots in my brain and leaves me feeling relieved, energized, happy, and healthy. This is most often experienced after the high of topspace, or as part of it.
Ritualism - We go through little rituals in our daily lives. Rituals are comprised of actions or symbols to which we give meaning, either consciously or otherwise. We prep ourselves for facing the day with rituals, we end the day with rituals, and often we give them little thought. Rituals in the BDSM arena can help prep us for a scene, be part or all of a scene (think ritual piercings or suspensions), and can help us come down from a scene. When I put Spiralsong's scene collar on her, we both know quite clearly that things are about to get interesting, just as an example. It reinforces what we've been through together, it helps prep my mind to get where it needs to be, and it provides a method for concluding her service to me as well (taking it off). Ritualistic items, in my humble opinion, should be handled with care. It makes them all the more precious. Ritualism, in the BDSM context, is an element I've only given attention to recently, and I've become all the better for it.
And that ends the journey through Niy's mind for today. If you would like to comment on this article, please use the link given below. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you've walked away with an appreciation for what keeps this artisan on his path.
What follows below is a list of things I recognize as elements in a hot scene. These are things that push my buttons, that get me hot and bothered, that push me into topspace and get me high. They are why I keep coming back, why I improve upon my skill sets, and why I seek out new experiences. Topspace is an altered state of consciousness that I adore being in, and these things get me there. It's most common for them to run in pack; they collude with each other, they stem from each other, and they work together to create good times. Individually, they aren't always present in every scene, but I can't think of a single memorable scene were at least a few of them weren't hanging around. On each of them an entire article could be written, but I'll try to be brief here, if for nothing other than my own sanity and to keep from boring you.
Reactions - If you've never heard the moans of a lover in ecstasy, never seen the shine of pride in a submissive's eyes after being praised on a job well done, or have never experienced the whimper/scream of a masochist taking well placed strikes, you might have a hard time understanding what I mean when I say I feed off of reactions. Watching a partner squirm, writhe, moan, whimper, or seeing their face light up at a sensual touch thrills me beyond words. Sometimes reactions don't bubble to the surface right away. With some folks, it takes a while for them to get in touch with their body and what it's feeling. The flood that comes when they finally do is worth the effort.
Connections - When you look into the eyes of your partner and realize, in that one brief moment, that the two of you are the only things in existence, that's a beautiful connection. Usually connections aren't that bold. They tend to be rather subtle and can even be overlooked. Connections are an exchange of energy between partners. As such, they are rarely static events. They build and change and shallow out and dwindle and rebuild, they ebb and flow with emotions and energies. When I think back on a particular scene or interaction and I get a "feeling" associated with that memory, that's the connection that existed at the time. Connections don't always last in memory, often they can only be appreciated while they're occurring.
Aesthetics - Sometimes I'll take a step back from what I'm doing and look at the welts forming on my partner, or look at the rope work I've placed, or something catches my eye just the right way, and the beauty of it it hits me like a Singapore prison card with a rattan cane. While I can't define beauty, I can tell that this element is often the most striking to me.
Control - I am, in some situations, an unrepentant control freak. I like things the way I like them, and I like my requests carried out with refined skill and grace. To watch someone take my will as their own and cherish it is beyond words.
Tactile sensation - I am, basically, a touch slut in reverse. While touch sluts love to be touched, I love to be the one touching. Some textures can really get me going given the right context. Latex, leather, vinyl, pvc, satin, a bottom's raising welts, all kinds of things can be just the right tactile stimulus to push me a little further. Sensuality is expressed physically through the sense of touch, and what it can add to a scene is, in my opinion, underrated by many.
Pride - While it may be one of the seven deadly sins, I'm fairly certain that if there is a hell, I'm going there anyway. I get a sense of pride from many things in the scene, from my skills and talents as an artisan, to the way a submissive completes a command or takes my will as their own, to the community itself and all the hard work that goes into making it so strong, vibrant, open, and accepting. It is a struggle some days to be proud of things and not be an arrogant ass-hat about it, in fact I'd say it's one of the things I struggle with the most. I'm a work in progress.
Sadism - I like hurting people in ways they enjoy. I'm not sorry. It's a dark and primal urge, and having a healthy avenue to express it has been a positive influence in my life both in scene and out. As an element in a larger scene, it can be a large contributor to my enjoyment.
Catharsis - Exerting ones self, both physically and emotionally, can be a cleansing experience. It sands down the rough spots in my brain and leaves me feeling relieved, energized, happy, and healthy. This is most often experienced after the high of topspace, or as part of it.
Ritualism - We go through little rituals in our daily lives. Rituals are comprised of actions or symbols to which we give meaning, either consciously or otherwise. We prep ourselves for facing the day with rituals, we end the day with rituals, and often we give them little thought. Rituals in the BDSM arena can help prep us for a scene, be part or all of a scene (think ritual piercings or suspensions), and can help us come down from a scene. When I put Spiralsong's scene collar on her, we both know quite clearly that things are about to get interesting, just as an example. It reinforces what we've been through together, it helps prep my mind to get where it needs to be, and it provides a method for concluding her service to me as well (taking it off). Ritualistic items, in my humble opinion, should be handled with care. It makes them all the more precious. Ritualism, in the BDSM context, is an element I've only given attention to recently, and I've become all the better for it.
And that ends the journey through Niy's mind for today. If you would like to comment on this article, please use the link given below. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you've walked away with an appreciation for what keeps this artisan on his path.